I love Facebook. I’m a fan. I found long-lost friends who moved to my area through Facebook and reconnected with people that I would have never otherwise been able to find and keep in touch with otherwise. But I’ve found that not all Facebookers are made equal. Some are more fun than others. For instance:
Sleepers - Sleepers are people who got a Facebook account maybe because someone sent them an invite when they were doing that whole “find your friends on Facebook” thing and they wanted to check it out or maybe at some point they wanted to see a picture that someone uploaded to Facebook so they created an account, looked at a thing or two and then forgot about it completely. They are non-users but don’t want to go through the trouble of deleting their account.
Verdict: meh. Keep’em. Just in case sometime, in the remote future, you want to tell them: you can check it out on Facebook.
Lurkers - the Lurkers are not as passive as the Sleepers but they are not active either. They do sign in from time to time but they don’t post pictures, don’t comment and, most of all, they don’t set or change their status. They do, however, check out other people’s stuff so that when you see them and start telling them what’s been going on they tell you “Oh, I know you’ve been to Somethingville, I saw it on Facebook”. Thank you.
Verdict: Love’em. Keep’em. They’re harmless and, most of all, you know that with the Lurkers you’ve done your job of keeping your friends in the loop and can be the laziest friend ever without feeling guilty.
Scoopers - This is one of my favorite categories. The Scoopers give you the scoop. Only what matters, only the interesting stuff. From the Scoopers you can find out if the restaurant that opened up on the corner of Old Street and Weird Street is good or not and you get the scoop on the latest, greatest viral videos on the Internets. They tell you if they ate something amazing (and where exactly) but they don’t give you a constant stream of food information like, for instance, “Eating a cookie” or “Drinking some wine”. Who cares that you’re eating a cookie? But, on the other hand, if you just ate the most amazing cookie in the world, dammit, I want to know where I can get one and how much it is.
Verdict: keep’em. Love’em. Give back every once in a while. Seriously: come out of your lurking and tell us about your favorite place sometime.
Blabbers - Oh, the blabbers. The blabbers are putting out a constant stream of unfiltered information – most of it stuff that you really didn’t need or want to know. “Drinking my morning coffee”. “Eating lunch”. “Going to the gym”. “Watching a movie”. “Going to bed”. And back to the morning coffee again. In case you haven’t noticed yet, nobody cares. Tell us something we don’t already know.
Verdict: hide’em. Don’t unfriend them yet – hopefully at some point they will figure out the fact that Facebook can do other stuff too like link to articles, post pictures, or poke someone. Ok, forget the poking…
Twitter blabbers – “@someone Haha!That’s a good one #funnythings”. “@someonelse totally #uninteresting #notfunny #whocares”. The Twitter Blabbers are worse than the Blabbers. They put out a constant stream of consciousness but from Twitter. They rarely ever check Facebook and are probably very proud of themselves for covering all bases from one app. Congratulations. You’ve managed to involve us in your Twitter conversations that we don’t give a crap about AND managed to annoy everyone in the process. Do us a favor and install selective twitter status. The world will thank you.
Verdict: unfriend. Or hide if you really care about them. Oh, and tell them to install selective twitter.
Narcissists - We get it. You’re pretty. But trust us: nobody wants to see more than five pictures of you at one time – even if they are in various poses and with various backgrounds. Well, unless you’re Heidi Klum and/or naked. Are you naked? Nope. Are you an actress/model? Nope. (or if you are, congratulations: there’s a thing called “portfolio” for your pictures and it’s not on Facebook). So maybe limit your self-pics to one a month? Mkay? Thanks.
Verdict: hide. Don’t burn bridges but don’t keep on your stream.
WhoTheHellIsThis?-es – So there’s this guy you think you knew in high school (or your former job, or your previous life) and you don’t really know his name but you think you recognized his picture so you accept his friend request. And he lurks for a while but then he occasionally turns into a babbler. He’s got over three thousand friends but never says anything remotely interesting. And every time he goes through the babbling phase you go “WhoTheHellIsThis? Oh, right. That guy”. Believe me: he doesn’t know your name either. He has no idea who you are. He just friended you because he saw on his stream that another one of his friends he doesn’t know friended you so you’re just another step towards his four thousand friends-goal and nothing more than that.
Verdict: unfriend. You’ll never miss them.
Players - SuchAndSuch is looking for a contract killer to take out Such in Mafia Wars. Nobody cares. Move on.
Verdict: undfriend. Unless you like to play in which case I can warmly recommend Second Life.
Stalkers - OK, stalkers are a bit more difficult of a category. Maybe because they are an ex and you feel guilty about how things ended (did you REALLY need to have them arrested for trespassing when they came to pick up their stuff from your place after they dumped you?) or maybe you need to thread carefully because, well, they’re your boss or an extremely nosy co-worker. They love to post awkward comments on your wall or press “like” on a depressing post. They also love to remind you that you should be working rather than posting an article from Perez Hilton in the middle of the afternoon. Like that ever made anyone less productive…
Verdict: add them to your limited profile. I know, I know, it’s a pain in the butt and there’s a lot of RTFM but it’s worth it.
I’m sure there’s a few that I’ve left out. If you have some categories of your own you think I’ve missed, feel free to add.
Also, I’m sure I’ve fallen in one or more of these categories myself. Eh. Whatchagonnado, right?