Yeah, right.

This morning, after wading through what could qualify as the worst traffic of the year I saw that CNN ran an article about the weirdest 15 excuses that people give (or gave) to get out of work.

I figured, yeah, there could be some great tips here on how to call in sick* while retaining your badass image and not sounding like a whining pansy for staying home with just a sniffle. Or a hangover. Or a pain in the ass. Although I’ve been tempted before to stay at home because of a pain in the said ass.

OK, so here’s your top 15. Use it wisely:

1. Bats got in my hair. Only if you have hair.
2. A refrigerator fell on me.
3. I was in line at a coffee shop when a truck carrying flour backed up and dumped the flour into my convertible. You need a convertible for this so don’t use it if you have a Camry.
4. A deer bit me during hunting season. Even if you don’t hunt. Who checks anyway?
5. I ate too much at a party.
6. I fell out of bed and broke my nose. Make sure you have swollen nose the next day.
7. My 12-year-old daughter stole his car and he had no other way to work. I didn’t want to report it to the police. Indicates a badass 12 year old daughter. One of my favorites.
8. I got a cold from a puppy. Throw ‘em for a loop. A puppy cold is much better than a human cold.
9. My child stuck a mint up his nose and we had to go to the ER to remove it.
10. I hurt my back chasing a beaver.  No need to elaborate. Really. No need.
11. Got my toe caught in a vent cover.
12. I had a headache after going to too many garage sales.  OK, this is a bit lame. I mean, garage sale? Really?
13. My brother-in-law was kidnapped by a drug cartel while in Mexico.  I know someone to whom this really happened. No joke.
14. I drank anti-freeze by mistake and had to go to the hospital.  Although this one is a double-edged sword. If you’re going to drink anti-freeze by mistake you may just have proved that you’re too stupid to be employed.
15. I was at a bowling alley and a bucket filled with water (due to a leak) crashed through the ceiling and hit me on the head. I don’t know. This one may just sound a bit too elaborate. Use it as a last resort only. And only if you’ve already taken advantage of the previous 14.

So here you go. Do what you will with it. Just don’t Facebook or Foursquare after claiming, say, #11. It totally blows your cover.

*This list is for illustration purposes only. The author by no means is suggesting that you skip work, fake-call-in sick or otherwise eschew your responsibilities.

Very interesting perspective on money. Worth checking out in detail even if you don’t believe the accuracy of the data.

Randall Munroe is super smart, funny and snarky so if some of it is just a joke it’s a funny and smart one at least. (autocorrect: buzz off, I know snarky is a word and if it’s not, I’m making it one.)

I especially like his musing on “lessons learned”:

1. The world’s most expensive thing by weight is probably the Treskilling Yellow postage stamp
2. The US’s 400 richest people have a greater combined net worth than poorest 50% of the country
3. The EPA has a dollar value for human life; it’s currently $8.4 million. They don’t like to talk about it; they call it a VSL (Value of Statistical Life) and tend to use terms like “1000 Micro VSLs”.
4. The Eisenhower Interstate Highway System is arguably the most expensive public works project in the history of mankind.
5. We spend roughly the same amount on cancer treatment as we do on cigarettes. I’m not sure what lesson to take from that.
6. Given their annual marketing budget, Coca-Cola could afford to literally buy the world a Coke. However, singing lessons for every person on Earth would be prohibitively expensive.

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/money_huge.png

Dear Santa,

first of all let me start by saying thank you for everything that you do. I appreciate you taking the time and delivering all those gifts to all those kids and stuff. Also, thank you for giving me what I asked for in, like, 1999 which was makeup.

I really appreciate it even if it was a few years later than expected. And a lot more than I expected.

At the same time, I have to sincerely apologize for my 1999 self who didn’t know any better. That dumb bitch should have asked for something a lot more meaningful.

So I will spare you the effort of going to Sephora or Ulta or whatever stores you go to to get me these gifts and I will only ask for one thing: money.

I’m thinking some cold, hard cash – maybe around $10 MM each year should totally do.

Oh, and please if you’re going to wait some years to fulfill this request like you did with my previous ones then make sure you adjust for inflation, mkay? Ten million dollars five years from now are NOT like ten million dollars today.

Also, this needs to be MY money and not me managing someone else’s cash. I know how you operate. I’ve known ever since, in first grade, you gave me a toy food processor instead of a robot. Just because the box said “kitchen robot” you thought you could get away with it. That is NOT a robot. A robot is shaped like a man only boxier and does stuff. A food processor may have the word “robot” in its name but it’s far from being one.

So please make sure that you get it right this time, ok?

Thanks in advance. Appreciate it and stuff. Good luck with the rain deers.