Yeah, right.

Well, at least according to this guy.

Like 99.4%* of all women, I am very, let’s just say, interested in weight issues and have been trying to make my number go down since probably the age of 12**.

You can name any diet and I’ve probably tried it. Possibly more than once. And probably to little or no effect.

But I’ve always thought that if I weren’t as lazy as I am, would get off my butt and do some serious exercising, I would no longer have this problem.

That myth has now officially been shattered after I ran across this article from a guy named John Kiefer who tells me that everything us women do is wrong and no matter what we will always be fat.

Specifically he talks about how running, instead of making you lose weight as you might expect, will make you gain even more weight because “cardio chronically shuts down the production of the thyroid hormone, T3″ which, in turn, will make your body store more fat.

This is very sad news to me. I always thought that running was the single most effective way to get in shape and lose weight and this guy is taking that away from me. Unfortunately he doesn’t give a solution to this other than to say that you should stop running every day (and do what? run every other day? don’t run at all? WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO???) and he also proceeds to scold and make fun of all of you sweating it out in the gym because, if you didn’t already know it, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. You’re doing EVERYTHING wrong.

And on top of that, you’re also a fat, fatty, fat, mcfatty who thinks that if you run every day it will help you lose weight but then you go and eat tons of pasta and carbs. HA! “I don’t feel sympathy” says John Kiefer who, obviously thinks that #1 he is unbearably smart and #2 he has the secret to weight loss and training but if he tells it to you he would have to kill you.

Other than that, interesting article. He seems to have done his (shady?) research and is also heavily defending said research in the comments. Lest you think that he is less than bearably smart.

So there you have it. You’re fat*** and you will stay that way no matter how much you work out and how little you eat and, also, you’re doing everything wrong.

Have a nice day.

*I made up this percentage but it feels accurate.

**Also a made-up number because I can’t remember.

***Seriously. We need a font for sarcasm. Somebody please invent it?

I’m not sure where this list came from but it’s pretty good.

So I’m shamelessly re-posting with my own edits. I’m not even going to say what I’ve edited out because that’s just another adult truth: it’s not stealing. It’s improving an existing entry.

1. Sometimes you look at your watch three times in under one minute and still don’t know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. Especially when you don’t have a comeback and you just have to stick by your guns.

3. I now realize what an idiot I was for not wanting to nap when I was younger. I take it all back.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. And a sarcasm smiley. WHY CAN’T WE PUT SARCASM IN WRITING??

5. Google Maps could start their directions at #5. If you don’t already know how to get out of your neighborhood maybe it’s a good idea to just stay home.

6. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

7. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired. I’m also tired of talking about how tired I am.

8. Bad decisions make good stories.

9. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

10. Can we all use agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? It’s getting confusing and, quite frankly, I can’t see the improvements. And I really don’t need to have Avatar on three different disks.

11. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page document that I swear I didn’t make any changes to.

12. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

13. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. And that is why I’m fat. I probably need a hobby.

14. I don’t know how many times it is appropriate to say “What?” or “Excuse me?” before I just nod and smile because I still can’t hear or understand a word the other person has said.

15. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and pinning the tail on the donkey. But I’d bet that everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

16. The first tentacular hard, the “Cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in Hockey in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realized hat their brain is also important.