I’m not sure where this list came from but it’s pretty good.
So I’m shamelessly re-posting with my own edits. I’m not even going to say what I’ve edited out because that’s just another adult truth: it’s not stealing. It’s improving an existing entry.
1. Sometimes you look at your watch three times in under one minute and still don’t know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. Especially when you don’t have a comeback and you just have to stick by your guns.
3. I now realize what an idiot I was for not wanting to nap when I was younger. I take it all back.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. And a sarcasm smiley. WHY CAN’T WE PUT SARCASM IN WRITING??
5. Google Maps could start their directions at #5. If you don’t already know how to get out of your neighborhood maybe it’s a good idea to just stay home.
6. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
7. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired. I’m also tired of talking about how tired I am.
8. Bad decisions make good stories.
9. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
10. Can we all use agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? It’s getting confusing and, quite frankly, I can’t see the improvements. And I really don’t need to have Avatar on three different disks.
11. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page document that I swear I didn’t make any changes to.
12. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
13. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. And that is why I’m fat. I probably need a hobby.
14. I don’t know how many times it is appropriate to say “What?” or “Excuse me?” before I just nod and smile because I still can’t hear or understand a word the other person has said.
15. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and pinning the tail on the donkey. But I’d bet that everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
16. The first tentacular hard, the “Cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in Hockey in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realized hat their brain is also important.
Posted: January 25th, 2012
Tags: adult truths
Comments: No Comments
This morning, after wading through what could qualify as the worst traffic of the year I saw that CNN ran an article about the weirdest 15 excuses that people give (or gave) to get out of work.
I figured, yeah, there could be some great tips here on how to call in sick* while retaining your badass image and not sounding like a whining pansy for staying home with just a sniffle. Or a hangover. Or a pain in the ass. Although I’ve been tempted before to stay at home because of a pain in the said ass.
OK, so here’s your top 15. Use it wisely:
- Bats got in my hair. Only if you have hair.
- A refrigerator fell on me.
- I was in line at a coffee shop when a truck carrying flour backed up and dumped the flour into my convertible. You need a convertible for this so don’t use it if you have a Camry.
- A deer bit me during hunting season. Even if you don’t hunt. Who checks anyway?
- I ate too much at a party.
- I fell out of bed and broke my nose. Make sure you have swollen nose the next day.
- My 12-year-old daughter stole his car and he had no other way to work. I didn’t want to report it to the police. Indicates a badass 12 year old daughter. One of my favorites.
- I got a cold from a puppy. Throw ‘em for a loop. A puppy cold is much better than a human cold.
- My child stuck a mint up his nose and we had to go to the ER to remove it.
- I hurt my back chasing a beaver. No need to elaborate. Really. No need.
- Got my toe caught in a vent cover.
- I had a headache after going to too many garage sales. OK, this is a bit lame. I mean, garage sale? Really?
- My brother-in-law was kidnapped by a drug cartel while in Mexico. I know someone to whom this really happened. No joke.
- I drank anti-freeze by mistake and had to go to the hospital. Although this one is a double-edged sword. If you’re going to drink anti-freeze by mistake you may just have proved that you’re too stupid to be employed.
- I was at a bowling alley and a bucket filled with water (due to a leak) crashed through the ceiling and hit me on the head. I don’t know. This one may just sound a bit too elaborate. Use it as a last resort only. And only if you’ve already taken advantage of the previous 14.
So here you go. Do what you will with it. Just don’t Facebook or Foursquare after claiming, say, #11. It totally blows your cover.
*This list is for illustration purposes only. The author by no means is suggesting that you skip work, fake-call-in sick or otherwise eschew your responsibilities.
Posted: November 28th, 2011
Comments: No Comments
first of all let me start by saying thank you for everything that you do. I appreciate you taking the time and delivering all those gifts to all those kids and stuff. Also, thank you for giving me what I asked for in, like, 1999 which was makeup.
I really appreciate it even if it was a few years later than expected. And a lot more than I expected.
At the same time, I have to sincerely apologize for my 1999 self who didn’t know any better. That dumb bitch should have asked for something a lot more meaningful.
So I will spare you the effort of going to Sephora or Ulta or whatever stores you go to to get me these gifts and I will only ask for one thing: money.
I’m thinking some cold, hard cash – maybe around $10 MM each year should totally do.
Oh, and please if you’re going to wait some years to fulfill this request like you did with my previous ones then make sure you adjust for inflation, mkay? Ten million dollars five years from now are NOT like ten million dollars today.
Also, this needs to be MY money and not me managing someone else’s cash. I know how you operate. I’ve known ever since, in first grade, you gave me a toy food processor instead of a robot. Just because the box said “kitchen robot” you thought you could get away with it. That is NOT a robot. A robot is shaped like a man only boxier and does stuff. A food processor may have the word “robot” in its name but it’s far from being one.
So please make sure that you get it right this time, ok?
Thanks in advance. Appreciate it and stuff. Good luck with the rain deers.
Posted: November 2nd, 2011
Comments: No Comments
I’ve always wondered where do jokes come from? In my case, they come from my friend Mishu. Most of the time. Here’s the latest batch.
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Sincerely, The Unicorns
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, The Spider
Dear Voldemort ,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…” just saying…
See the Yahoo entry.
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.
Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
ZZ Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, The Vuvuzelas
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho’s.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods
Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can’t. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls
My death isn’t the only thing I’ve been faking…
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary
Posted: February 9th, 2011
Tags: dear world
Comments: No Comments
For my Romanian (specifically Transylvanian friends) – a list of traits that make you a Cluj person.
Don’t bother using a translator, some of it wouldn’t even make sense to regular Romanians.
Iti dai seama ca esti din Cluj daca…
1. …te-ai săturat să vezi statuia lui Matei Corvin acoperită de schele;
2. …nu știi care sunt străzile Bolyai Janos, Hermann Oberth sau I.C. Brătianu, deși treci zilnic pe ele; numești strada I.M. Klein – strada cu Bulgakovu’ și Iuliu Maniu – strada în oglindă;
3. …ajungi mai repede la Viena decât la București;
4. …faci diferența dintre Nico și Big Apple;
5. …știi de ce a ars de fapt Janis Stuf;
6. …ai trăit experiența șaselui de dimineață;
7. …te-ai enervat când ai văzut „noua” Piață a Unirii;
8. …știi înjura la fel de bine, atât în română, cât și în maghiară;
9. …numești Bucureștiul „Lamitici” ;
10. …știi cine își dă întâlnire noaptea în Parcul Mare și în Pădurea Hoia-Baciu;
11. …știi tot felul de povești ciudate despre catacombele din Piața Unirii, Anna Báthory, sau casele de toleranță de pe actuala stradă Dragalina;
12. …trăiești într-un oraș cosmopolit: tramvaiele sunt nemțești, autobuzele franțuzești etc.;
13. …ai auzit de locuri precum Someșul Rece, Șuncuiuș, Poiana Zânelor;
14. …asculți „Radio Impuls” de dimineață;
15. …faci diferența dintre moți și mocani;
16. …știi ce este un mitic și un sudist;
17. …te întâlnești cu prietenii „la clopot” sau „la coada calului”;
18. …îți duci prietenii străini în Janis;
19. …când vrei să-ți faci abonament pe transportul în comun, ai nevoie de poză, bani (mărunți!), și mult timp la dispoziție;
20. …eviți mașinile cu numerele IF, IL, MH, DB și știi că toate mașinile cu număr de București sunt, de fapt, luate în leasing;
21. …respecți așa cum se cuvine o Varză á la Cluj, o sticlă de Ursus și un Vargabéles;
22. …te întrebi de ce e orașul atât de aglomerat la ora la care oamenii ar trebui să fie la serviciu;
23. …habar n-ai de ce pe dealul care oferă cea mai mare vizibilitate din oraș e o cruce imensă;
24. …știi cine au fost Lulu, Ionică şi Generalu și apariția unui individ îmbrăcat din cap până-n picioare în culori fosforescente nu te mai surprinde;
25. …numele a peste jumătate dintre colegii tăi de clasă se termina în „-an”;
26. …știi ce înseamnă lucicoș, a duhăni, fercheș, mintenașși a țuca;
27. …când erai mic, te dădeai în „hintă”, trăgeai linii drepte cu un „liniar” și jucai mâță fără să știi ce-i aia „leapșă”;
28. …recunoști „boactării” înainte să se suie în troleibuz;
29. …ești student la / ai absolvit / predai la / lucrezi pentru / ai avut cel puțin de câteva ori în viață de-a face cu Universitatea Babeș-Bolyai;
30. …știi că Piezișa nu e o stradă, e o atitudine;
…faci diferența dintre „servus” și „servustoc”, știi ce înseamnă „Szia!”și te uiți ciudat dacă cineva te salută cu „Bună!”;
31. …ai fost cel puțin o dată la băut pe Cetățuie;
32. …90% din călătorii de pe autobuz au peste dublul vârstei tale;
33. ..știi ce este kürtős kalács și chiar îți place;
34. …ai fost pe platoul Sălii Sporturilor, la Festivalul Berii;
35. …știi cel puțin 5 moduri de ajunge din Piața Avram Iancu în Piața Păcii;
36. …ești convins că Clujul e cel mai „fain” oraș din țară și ai spus cel puțin o dată că ar trebui să fie capitala României;
37. …îți amintești de când s-a schimbat traseul șaptelui și de toți cei care încurcau troleibuzele;
38. …toate locurile au pentru tine două silabe: Memo, Doro, Cetă, Inso, Matei;
39. …știi că U e mai mult decât o literă din alfabet;
40. …te întrebi zilnic dacă avionul ăsta o să aterizeze în capăt pe Dorobanților;
41. …„îți iei palme” dacă trimiți o fată pe Calea Turzii;
42. …știi că Avram, Matei și Mihai nu sunt simple nume;
43. …folosești „no” și „ioi” ca semne de punctuație;
44. …ai mâncat cel puțin o dată pită cu unsoare și ceapă în baruri;
45. …când spui de unde ești, lumea te întreabă de Funar;
46. …cunoști locuri precum B-dul Petru Groza, Str. 6 Martie, Piața Libertății sau Parcul Engels;
47. …ai colegi „de facultă”, cu care ai cursuri „pe 8”;
48. …România de dincolo de Apahida are pentru tine o existență mai mult teoretică;
49. …toate mărcile par a începe cu „Napo” sau a se termina în „de Cluj”;
50. …ai murit de râs când ai auzit primele 3 reclame de la ERDEESH și restu’ ți s-au părut comerciale;
51. …rostești „oa” într-un singur sunet;
52. …îți amintești când Diesel era singurul bar nou din centru, iar Metro singurul magazin mare de lângă oraș;
53. …asculți Paprika Radio, chiar dacă nu știi ungurește;
54. …știi că Bulgaria nu o e țară, Observatorul nu-i observator, Irisul nu-i neapărat o parte a ochiului, Bună Ziua e mai mult decât un salut, Dâmbul nu-i un dâmb oarecare, Chios nu e o insulă din Grecia, iar Borhanci nu-i un nume de țigan;
55. …ai șezut vreodată pe o bancă „tricoloră”;
56. …cel puțin o treime din oraș se află în spate la Sora;
57. …schimbi avioanele la Budapesta;
58. …folosești denumiri prescurtate – BCU, UBB, FSEGA și te aștepți ca toată lumea să știe ce înseamnă;
59. …mergi la Tarnița ca la piscină, numa’ că mai off-road;
60. …ai auzit de Rozi și de Rabă și-ți pare rău că nu mai sunt la televizor;
61. …nu ești surprins când cineva îți spune că locuiește „în groapă”;
62. …dacă ştii că la tăţi ni-i greu
Posted: April 13th, 2010
Comments: No Comments
I love Facebook. I’m a fan. I found long-lost friends who moved to my area through Facebook and reconnected with people that I would have never otherwise been able to find and keep in touch with otherwise. But I’ve found that not all Facebookers are made equal. Some are more fun than others. For instance:
Sleepers - Sleepers are people who got a Facebook account maybe because someone sent them an invite when they were doing that whole “find your friends on Facebook” thing and they wanted to check it out or maybe at some point they wanted to see a picture that someone uploaded to Facebook so they created an account, looked at a thing or two and then forgot about it completely. They are non-users but don’t want to go through the trouble of deleting their account.
Verdict: meh. Keep’em. Just in case sometime, in the remote future, you want to tell them: you can check it out on Facebook.
Lurkers - the Lurkers are not as passive as the Sleepers but they are not active either. They do sign in from time to time but they don’t post pictures, don’t comment and, most of all, they don’t set or change their status. They do, however, check out other people’s stuff so that when you see them and start telling them what’s been going on they tell you “Oh, I know you’ve been to Somethingville, I saw it on Facebook”. Thank you.
Verdict: Love’em. Keep’em. They’re harmless and, most of all, you know that with the Lurkers you’ve done your job of keeping your friends in the loop and can be the laziest friend ever without feeling guilty.
Scoopers - This is one of my favorite categories. The Scoopers give you the scoop. Only what matters, only the interesting stuff. From the Scoopers you can find out if the restaurant that opened up on the corner of Old Street and Weird Street is good or not and you get the scoop on the latest, greatest viral videos on the Internets. They tell you if they ate something amazing (and where exactly) but they don’t give you a constant stream of food information like, for instance, “Eating a cookie” or “Drinking some wine”. Who cares that you’re eating a cookie? But, on the other hand, if you just ate the most amazing cookie in the world, dammit, I want to know where I can get one and how much it is.
Verdict: keep’em. Love’em. Give back every once in a while. Seriously: come out of your lurking and tell us about your favorite place sometime.
Blabbers - Oh, the blabbers. The blabbers are putting out a constant stream of unfiltered information – most of it stuff that you really didn’t need or want to know. “Drinking my morning coffee”. “Eating lunch”. “Going to the gym”. “Watching a movie”. “Going to bed”. And back to the morning coffee again. In case you haven’t noticed yet, nobody cares. Tell us something we don’t already know.
Verdict: hide’em. Don’t unfriend them yet – hopefully at some point they will figure out the fact that Facebook can do other stuff too like link to articles, post pictures, or poke someone. Ok, forget the poking…
Twitter blabbers – “@someone Haha!That’s a good one #funnythings”. “@someonelse totally #uninteresting #notfunny #whocares”. The Twitter Blabbers are worse than the Blabbers. They put out a constant stream of consciousness but from Twitter. They rarely ever check Facebook and are probably very proud of themselves for covering all bases from one app. Congratulations. You’ve managed to involve us in your Twitter conversations that we don’t give a crap about AND managed to annoy everyone in the process. Do us a favor and install selective twitter status. The world will thank you.
Verdict: unfriend. Or hide if you really care about them. Oh, and tell them to install selective twitter.
Narcissists - We get it. You’re pretty. But trust us: nobody wants to see more than five pictures of you at one time – even if they are in various poses and with various backgrounds. Well, unless you’re Heidi Klum and/or naked. Are you naked? Nope. Are you an actress/model? Nope. (or if you are, congratulations: there’s a thing called “portfolio” for your pictures and it’s not on Facebook). So maybe limit your self-pics to one a month? Mkay? Thanks.
Verdict: hide. Don’t burn bridges but don’t keep on your stream.
WhoTheHellIsThis?-es – So there’s this guy you think you knew in high school (or your former job, or your previous life) and you don’t really know his name but you think you recognized his picture so you accept his friend request. And he lurks for a while but then he occasionally turns into a babbler. He’s got over three thousand friends but never says anything remotely interesting. And every time he goes through the babbling phase you go “WhoTheHellIsThis? Oh, right. That guy”. Believe me: he doesn’t know your name either. He has no idea who you are. He just friended you because he saw on his stream that another one of his friends he doesn’t know friended you so you’re just another step towards his four thousand friends-goal and nothing more than that.
Verdict: unfriend. You’ll never miss them.
Players - SuchAndSuch is looking for a contract killer to take out Such in Mafia Wars. Nobody cares. Move on.
Verdict: undfriend. Unless you like to play in which case I can warmly recommend Second Life.
Stalkers - OK, stalkers are a bit more difficult of a category. Maybe because they are an ex and you feel guilty about how things ended (did you REALLY need to have them arrested for trespassing when they came to pick up their stuff from your place after they dumped you?) or maybe you need to thread carefully because, well, they’re your boss or an extremely nosy co-worker. They love to post awkward comments on your wall or press “like” on a depressing post. They also love to remind you that you should be working rather than posting an article from Perez Hilton in the middle of the afternoon. Like that ever made anyone less productive…
Verdict: add them to your limited profile. I know, I know, it’s a pain in the butt and there’s a lot of RTFM but it’s worth it.
I’m sure there’s a few that I’ve left out. If you have some categories of your own you think I’ve missed, feel free to add.
Also, I’m sure I’ve fallen in one or more of these categories myself. Eh. Whatchagonnado, right?
Posted: December 7th, 2009
Comments: 11 Comments